I've found out that a lot of people, especially in Oklahoma, have no idea what to do with their lives. In fact, they barely can seem to cope with day-to-day living and simple interaction with other human beings. It therefore occurred to me to pen some guidelines, to help these people on their way to being better at home in their society. Your mileage may vary.

1. If you smell up the bathroom and the fan doesn't work very well and there's no sort of spray available to cover up the odour, don't walk out and leave the door open just a crack so that the next person who walks in gets the stale remnants full in the face. Leave the door all the way open when you leave and let your stench disperse. Nobody cares that you did it, and they'll be very glad that they don't have to be in the same room with it the next time they need to take care of some business. And even if the fan doesn't work all that well, leave it on anyway so they'll know you tried your best to avoid spreading the stink around.

2. [This rule applies only to those who drive motor vehicles.] Use your turn signals properly. This means doing what they taught you in your Driver Education class. When changing lanes, activate your directional indicator (or "blinker" as they seem to be called here) to let people know in which direction you're going to move, look to make sure it's safe, move, then turn off the signal. Don't lurch from one lane to the next like a drunken prom date trying to find the light switch. Don't start moving and then let blink your turn signal once to let people know that you really did intend to change lanes and it wasn't just an accident. When turning, activate the directional indicator prior to turning (prior to braking for the turn is even better; it lets the driver behind you know why you're slowing down so that he doesn't have to watch for the invisible obstruction which would otherwise spring instantly to mind when the vehicle in front mysteriously brakes), and then deactivate it after you've turned. When driving straight ahead, contrary to what you may see on the street every day and night, using a directional indicator is not necessary; you must believe this despite the many vehicles which drive for years with their signals blinking.

3. If you don't like your job, quit. Someone else will be happy to do it for you. If you're in it for the money, then you should find something pleasant to do which makes the same amount of money and isn't illegal. Keep in mind that quality of life is more important than how rich you are. If you have enough money to, retire, and let some poor sod who's been on the ladder for thirty-eight years get one last promotion before he snuffs it.

4. Make sure your actions match your words. For example, don't curse [in the American South: cuss] the government for spending a lot of money if you get a tax refund every year. Don't say the budget is too big if you keep your Social Security cheque. Don't say all the people are idiots if you drive like a moron, too. [See Rule #2 above for further reference.] Be nice to people if you want to be thought of as a nice person; don't just tell them you're nice and expect them to believe you as you cut off the old lady in the checkout line at Wal-Mart. Don't say pop music is crap if you own anything by Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, or any boy-band. All right, all right ... I've made my point.