Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the
occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal
investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful
odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion
of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A
little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow
never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Worrying Fart
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you
release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too
solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at
the next possible opportunity.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny
squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks
fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the
garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost
fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have
company.
Beefy One
Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the
rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.
Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a
housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you
weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business
meeting of course, you're screwed.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Bunbuster Fart
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much
more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole
smarting. You really feel these babies.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants.
This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later.
Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as
possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as
discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30
seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to
cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look
innocent.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged
deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form
of gaseous landmark.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry
about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have
left.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people
the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into
the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you
are duly criticised for poor manners.
Burble Fart
Bubbly!
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due
to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and
on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so
hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to
subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to
win out in the end.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a
cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little
bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay
where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a
fart...
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a
nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced
windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to
set light to them.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In
fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One
report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my
own,
and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep
beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so
named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving
their existance.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be
recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is
detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it
is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts
and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely
strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose.
Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem
farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.