In the good old days, I would log on to see
What my trusty old mailbox had waiting for me
It would say I had mail, and I'd swell up with pride
Just to find there was nothing but adverts inside
Well, I whimpered and whined and I bitched and I swore
But the junk kept a-comin', 'til I hollered "NO MORE!"
So I did something drastic, if ever I'll do one...
I closed my old mailbox and opened a new one...
And now there's nothing there...
It's cold and dark and bare...
I'm all alone and scared to death
And no one seems to care...
Oh, PLEASE, Mr. Wallace, I was tragically wrong
And I freely admit you were right all along
I need you to guide me and show me the way
Please send me some junk mail - TODAY!!!
I used to pray that I'd see the day
When the Floodgate closed and the spam went away
Now, it pains me to admit what a weenie I am
But I'm goin' through withdrawal and I need me some spam
Oh, PLEASE, Mr. Wallace, won't you send me some spam?
So how can I hope to achieve all my dreams
If I don't receive ads for the latest new schemes
Selling herbal cures, condoms, and wrinkle-free creams
And prepaid phone cards in unlimited streams?
And now, it's quite likely I've lost my one chance
To strike up a beautiful lifelong romance
With my perfect companion on some foreign shore
'Coulda had all of that - but not anymore!
Oh, GOD, I'm a fool, what a moron I am!
Oh, PLEASE, Mr. Wallace, won't you send me some spam?
I'm begging you, Sanford, PLEASE send me some spam!
Oh baby yeah baby please spam me yes spam me some more!!!
I can't even mail them, I can't even call
'Cause as dumb as I am, I deleted it all!
And now I'm just staring at NOTHING on screen
And sucking my thumb and regretting how stupid I've been!
I'm helpless without you, I'm not worth a damn
So PLEASE, Mr. Wallace, PLEASE send me some spam!
If you have ANY pity, PLEASE send me some spam!
*****
(repeat entire song again and again and again and again and again...)
*****