Just Some Great Humour
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Just For Fun
Humor -- with no particular purpose other than to give us a break from the
Serious Business of working and job-hunting. And postpone doing anything truly
productive. On the other hand, one of my wisest teachers advised: "Every
day you must do two things: SWEAT and LAUGH."
Humor page 2-- Humor page 3 -- Humor page 4
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GEORGE CARLIN-ISMS
1. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
2. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
3. Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
4. Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
5. Does killing time damage eternity?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
8. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
9. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
10. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
11. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
12. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
13. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
14. Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
15. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
16. Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
17. Do pilots take crash-courses?
18. Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
19. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
20. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
21. Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
22. How can there be self-help "groups"?
23. How do you get off a non-stop flight?
24. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
25. How many weeks are there in a light year?
26. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
27. If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
28 If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
29, If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
30. If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
31. If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
32. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
33. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
34. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
35. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
36. If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
37. If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
38. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
39. Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
40. Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
41. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
42. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Quotables
"Good judgment comes from experience. And experience...well, that comes from bad judgment." -- Anonymous
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Meat
Captains Log: Stardate 9986.104 -- Sentient Meat
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the lifespan of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how utterly, cold this galaxy would be if one were all alone with no-one to talk to but meat."
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May 25: Hi Yana. I really enjoy your website -- useful and entertaining. I'm
not sure if you're aware, though, that the story "Meat" on your
"Just For Fun" page was written by sci-fi writer Terry Bisson --
it's actual title is "They're Made Out of Meat" and it can be found
in a collection of his short stories called "Bears Discover Fire"
(St. Martin's Press, 1995). I don't represent anyone; I just know because
I'm a Bisson fan. What you have looks like the original word for word, except
for the"Captain's Log" bit. I think it's a great story and I was
happy to see someone else likes it too, but I wouldn't want to see you get
in trouble if someone less friendly recognizes it.
Anyway, love the site, and I'll be back to visit often. Doug Topper
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Well, THANKS Doug, for the alert. What I'll just do is pass this info along and tell everybody to GO BUY TERRY BISSON'S BOOK -- it must be GREAT! -- Yana
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My Accomplishments
This was posted by Nelia White on the Humor bulletin board of BMUG (Berkeley Macintosh Users Group)
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
-- I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
-- Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
-- I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
-- Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
-- I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
-- My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
-- I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
-- I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
-- I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
--I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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INTERESTING FACTS
Posted on BMUG (Berkeley Macintosh Users Group BBS) by Ian Cumming:
Here are some interesting facts you might like to know about!!
* If a man could be paid minimum wage for shaving, he would earn $11,222.50 in a lifetime, working 3,350 hours.
* If the average housewife was paid one penny for every step she takes as she works around the house, she would make $64,240 per year.
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Science Test
Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and essays
submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and
college students around the world. Spelling left as is. (From BMUG online
service, posted by Hoai-An Truong, who notes: There is a common text document
that runs around the Internet periodically called "The History of the
World" where teachers have compiled student flubs from papers they have
read.)
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"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" (sic)
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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LAUGHTER IS ESSENTIAL!
Many years ago, Norman Cousins was diagnosed as "terminally ill." He was given six months to live. His chance for recovery was one in 500.
He could see the worry, depression and anger in his life contributed to, and perhaps helped cause, his disease. He wondered, "If illness can be caused by negativity, can wellness be created by positivity?"
He decided to make an experiment of himself. Laughter was one of the most positive activities he knew. He rented all the funny movies he could find - Keaton, Chaplin, Fields, the Marx Brothers. (This was before VCRs, so he had to rent the actual films.) He read funny stories. He asked his friends to call him whenever they said, heard or did something funny.
His pain was so great he could not sleep. Laughing for 10 solid minutes, he found, relieved the pain for several hours so he could sleep. He fully recovered from his illness and lived another 20 happy, healthy and productive years. (His journey is detailed in his book, Anatomy of an Illness.) He credits visualization, the love of his family and friends, and laughter for his recovery.
Some people think laughter is a waste of time. It is a luxury, they say, a frivolity, something to indulge in only every so often. Nothing could be further from the truth. Laughter is essential to our equilibrium, to our well-being, to our aliveness. If we're not well, laughter helps us get well; if we are well, laughter helps us stay that way.
Since Cousins' ground-breaking subjective work, scientific studies have shown that laughter has a curative effect on the body, the mind and the emotions.
So, if you like laughter, consider it sound medical advice to indulge in it as often as you can. If you don't like laughter, then take your medicine - laugh anyway.
Use whatever makes you laugh - movies, sitcoms, Monty Python, records, books, New Yorker cartoons, jokes, friends.Give yourself permission to laugh - long and loud and out loud - whenever anything strikes you as funny. The people around you may think you're strange, but sooner or later they'll join in even if they don't know what you're laughing about.
Some diseases may be contagious, but none is as contagious as the cure. . . laughter.
By Peter McWilliams, from Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Aubery & Nancy
Mitchell, R.N.
JUST FOR FUN (continued)
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