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Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Max D., St. Augustine, Florida I'm so glad you asked me that question.Everyone asks about flying squirrels,but nobody ever thinks about the poor "Fear of Flying" squirrels who have such deep psychological problems that they can't seem to get off the ground. Muppet Labs has chartered a very nice flight to Hawaii to try to help these squirrels. If you know of a squirrel who is afraid to fly, please let us know and we will help.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Dennis from Fort Lee, New Jersey Dennis, I'm afraid that there is no scientific way to make someone fall in love with you. However, with the proper equipment, you can make yourself into the man that your targeted potential paramour is looking for. Here's what you need: an electron microscope with DNA scanner, some really small tweezers and a roll of scotch tape. First of all, ask your potential mate what type of guy she's looking for. Then, using your electron microscope, scan your DNA. Next, take the tweezers and adjust the structure of your DNA to more closely resemble that of your dream girl's dream guy. When you're finished, use the scotch tape to fasten the changes into place. The object of your affections will be instantly attracted to your new self. If this doesn't work, try dance lessons.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Kenneth from Haifa, Israel The future of DVD is wide open. I should clarify for our readers that while we in the scientific community abbreviate the name as DVD, you should know that the DVD of which we speak stands for Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dyke is an all-time favorite of everyone here at Muppet Labs, so we think that he will be tripping over the ottoman for years to come. Many have asked us if DVD will be more popular than laserdiscs. We cannot answer that question because it is unfair to compare a talented comic actor like DVD with a video software medium.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Mary, Lincoln, Nebraska Most superheroes have superpowers because they are abnormal mutations, inhuman, or were the victim of some sort of radioactive incident (NOTE: Don't try radioactivity at home, kids! It only leads to superpowers in the comics - Beaker had to find out the hard way!). Batman is 100% human. So physically, he is just a well-trained ordinary person with a lot of cash and really neat equipment around the house who is involved in investigations for Justice - kinda like Bill Gates.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Bill, Bellevue, Washington MMX is the latest technology from Intel that speeds up the performance of microprocessors. It stands for Multimedia X-cellerator... or something like that. Other performance enhancing technologies in development include: EABS: Eliminates AOL Busy Signals
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Fozzie, Wocka Wocka, Washington Like most organisms, the rubber chicken evolved from other organisms. Millions of years ago, the rubber protozoa emerged from the primordial ooze and began its long process of evolving into the rubber chicken that we know and love. First, there was the rubber horned toad, and then came the rubber pterodactyl. Of course, natural selection played its part - that's why we don't see a lot of other rubber animals in novelty stores. The rubber elephants were too large. The rubber paramecium were too small. It's survival of the fittest - and the fittest was the rubber chicken. Now, what makes a rubber chicken funny? That's another question for another day.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -A.C. Neilsen, Chicago, IL I don't believe in favorites. What I do believe in is scientifically selected compatible programming. In other words, why pick a favorite program when science can tell you what you should enjoy. Here is a simple equation:education x iq÷age1/2 x chronological age - 2 = compatible program income Using this simple equation, science tells me that the ideal television program for me is a delightful little show called "Xena: Warrior Princess." Hope this answers your question.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -B. Oeng, Seattle, WA Mainstream scientists would have you believe that airplanes fly because of a combination of speed and aerodynamic lift. I disagree. Our research has proven that heavy planes do not really take off. The ground beneath them lowers, then the Earth turns around until the plane arrives at its desired location. It's as simple as that.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -E. Dombrower, Studio City, CA Today's science makes it possible to shrink your bed to arm-lengthed size. All you will need is a very large washing machine and several hundred gallons of hot water. Of course, once you're finished shrinking your bed, you will need to buy smaller sheets to fit it. Isn't science glorious?
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Bill and Biff Parker, Boston, Massachusetts Indeed, what is Life all about? It's very simple, really. Start at the start line with $10,000 and a car in the color of your choice. Continue on your chosen path, be it professional or business, then get married, and have children. The first person to become a millionaire and reach the mansion wins. And that's what the game of Life is all about.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -D. Osmond, Orem, Utah I too have thousands of 8-track tapes, and we here at Muppet Labs proudly listen to our 8-tracks all the time! Right now we're listening to an 8-track of Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger - it doesn't get much better than that, does it? Muppet Labs is constantly developing new hardware that will keep the 8-tracks around for years to come: 8-track personal stereo, digital 8-tracks, 8-track-ROM drives for computers. Why are we so devoted to 8-track technology? We here at Muppet Labs did some of the inital research that made 8-track cartridges possible. We also worked on the Edsel, the Betamax and the Disc Camera.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -R. Fuller, St. Augustine, Florida Where indeed does lint come from? We find it every day on our clothing, in the dryer, in our pockets, in our belly button, or between our toes. We here at Muppet Labs have been looking into the lint question for 12 years and we have made an amazing, but startling discovery. I might be in danger for telling you this, but right now, there are hundreds of lint factories manufacturing lint so that every night lint delivery teams can spring into action and fill lint traps and navels around the world. Why? The lint brush industry would like to keep that part quiet. There you have the truth about where lint comes from. The greater question is, of course: where does it go?
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -V.G.A., Silicon Valley, California As all of you know, thanks to our speedy little friends Technology and Progress, computers are usually obsolete by the time we get them home from the store and unpack them. That's why we at Muppet Labs have been pursuing time travel for the past six years. Our goal: zip into the future, buy a state of the art computer, bring it back to the present and use it happily, secure in the knowledge that technology won't catch up to us for a while. We are getting close to accomplishing time travel, but we need a faster computer to run the programming, but we can't go into the future to get one until we have one. We'll keep working, though, until we can reach tomorrow before the end of today!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -R. Simmons, Beverly Hills, California We here at Muppet Labs have been working on this question for 16 years. My assistant Beaker, after extensive taste tests, has confirmed that the yummy cream filling is unlike any other substance known to man. Beaker and I have made a few inquiries and I am proud to announce that we have discovered the latest addition to the Periodic Table of the Elements, "Bostonium." We may be up for a Nobel prize for this, but we did it for the sake of science. We've always wanted to put a plate of something tasty on the Periodic Table.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -S. Allen, Encino, California As a fellow spectacle-wearer, I'm always searching for the best way to keep dirts off my eyeglasses. It is a daily chore. Since most cleaning methods eventually scratch or otherwise damage the lenses, I have directed the entire staff of Muppet Labs to finding the most efficient way to clean glasses. So far, our research has indicated that the best way to clean something is to disassemble it into its basic components. In our experiments, we used an atom smasher to pummel my specs into their most basic molecules. Then, these molecules were cleaned in an ordinary solution of soap and water until they were all spiffy. Now comes the hard part, putting the molecules back into their original form. Until we figure out how to do that, I'll just use my spare pair.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -J. L., Houston, Texas As far as I know, not only do astronauts eat it, they bathe in it! Yessir, nothing covers up the perspiration of seven sweaty astronauts confined in a tiny space shuttle better than the pleasant aroma of artificially flavored freeze-dried dairy products!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -G.L., San Rafael, California Muppet Labs is the Star Wars fan capital of the science industry. We ran this query through our computers and here are the possibilities: Aunt Beru and Leia's mother are sisters. Uncle Owen and Anakin Skywalker are brothers. Aunt Beru and Anakin are brother and sister. Uncle Owen and Leia's mother are brother and sister. The other possibility is that Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are those special uncles and aunts - you know, the ones that aren't related, but you call them aunt and uncle anyway. Like, Uncle Ben, TV's Uncle Miltie, and, of course, Robert Vaughn (The Man from U.N.C.L.E).
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -T.P. Alley, New York, New York The musical answer is, of course, "high hopes." But, as the song tells us, an ant can't move a rubber tree plant. We here at Muppet Labs are working around the clock to solve that problem. In fact, we have two divisions working on a solution. The Muppet Labs Department of Ant Enlargement and the Muppet Labs Division of Rubber Tree Miniaturization are at this moment working to produce an ant that can move a rubber tree plant. We hope to accomplish this milestone by early 1999. Until then, I'm afraid you'll have to move your rubber tree plants the old-fashioned way - by hand. Why are we doing this? Why else? We received a government grant for it.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -B. Mills, Jackson Hole, Wyoming We here at Muppet Labs have been investigating that question for many years. We believe that poor, defenseless socks are being abducted from dryers everywhere and taken to another planet - a planet where there is a shortage of socks! There is no other possible explanation. Well, maybe there is another possible explanation; but, this is certainly the most exciting explanation. Further inquiries can be directed to the Muppet Labs Department of Pair-a-sock-ology.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -F. Gourmet, Seattle, Washington Vichyssoise is a cold potato soup made using potatoes and leeks. Boulliabaisse is another French soup, though this one is served hot and is made using fish. I usually don't confuse them - because I can't stand either one. Give me a good old bowl of chicken noodle any time!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Stephanie, New York, NY Play-doh is indeed non-toxic. To prove this for you, Stephanie, my assistant Beaker ingested over eighty pounds of the fun, but not very tasty substance. I should warn you however, that although the Play-doh did not harm Beaker, he did experience some strange after-effects. When we crank his arm up and down, play-doh comes up through the pores at the top of his head. Fortunately, we have the little plastic play-doh scissors so we can trim the excess. To avoid this from happening, I strongly urge that Play-doh be used externally at all times.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Anonymous, via Internet I pulled Beakie's personnel file out of the old cabinet and I'm sorry to say that according to his official file, he has no last name. I can tell you, though, that he has lots of medical insurance, tons of life insurance and a very in depth "in case of emergency" listing. I can also tell you he is allergic to very large nails (when struck by very large hammers)—just don't ask me how I know that.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -H. Condriac, Bethesda, Maryland Well, first of all, before you do anything else, stop breathing! This should prevent any allergic reaction. However, the cessation of breathing may bring on some other symptoms—like turning blue and eventually passing out. You may want to learn to live with your allergy—the alternative is unfortunately not as pleasant.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -E.S. Peranto My answer is, "It is Decidedly So."
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Freezing in Fargo I am happy to report that thanks to technological advances, it is possible to increase the average life expectancy of snowmen (and snow-women) to a level never before dreamed of. As we know, snowmen (and their female counterparts) will exist as long as temperatures stay below the freezing level. How do we increase their life expectancy? We can try to ensure freezing conditions all the time. Of course, this is just hypothetical, but if we manage to extinguish the sun, it would get a lot colder. Hence, all snowmen would live forever. But in all likelihood, human life as we know it would end. Good for snowmen, bad for us. But we at Muppet Labs refuse to give up the fight for long life snowmen. Thanks to a rather large walk-in freezer, we at Muppet Labs have managed to keep a snowman frozen for well over six years. It would have been longer, but Beaker accidentally unplugged the freezer to use his curling iron. So, the answer to your question is that the life span of a snowman, under the right conditions, is endless. But, even under normal conditions, when snowmen melt, that doesn't mean they're gone; they've just evolved into another form, liquid. So remember, next time you wash your hands, you're using a snowman to keep clean.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Sherman H., Camden, England I believe that the tipping of mailmen, cows and pinball machines should be avoided. How would you feel if you were sitting in a nifty little jeep, minding your own business, delivering mail, when one of your customers runs over to you with some friends and tips over your jeep? It's no wonder that postal workers become disgruntled. I would suggest, however, that you give your letter carrier a gift at the holidays—perhaps a financial gratuity?
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Choking Artie, Atlanta, Georgia My advice to you is to avoid artichokes. Try oranges. They rarely have sharp edges. (I should point out that this is not an overall condemnation of artichokes. Some of my best friends are artichokes. But evidently, the writer of this question is just not throatally endowed enough to eat an artichoke correctly. He should stick to soft foods.)
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Terry J., Austin, Texas I'm so glad you asked me that question! You are absolutely correct. The number of drive-ins has been declining over the past few decades. A Muppet Labs study has indicated that drive-in theaters have been decreasing by the same proportion that trendy coffee establishments have been increasing. The simple reason is that it takes less real estate to open a coffee shop than it does to open a drive-in theater. But Muppet Labs has designed a new, more efficient way to build drive-in theaters. We call our innovation the Muppet Labs Drive-Up Movie. The Muppet Labs Drive-Up theater is a vertical establishment. Vehicles will be towed up the side of very tall vertical structure (not unlike New York's Twin Towers). Patrons will sit, strapped in their vehicle, reclining in much the same way astronauts are seated in their capsule before lift-off. The screen will be atop the structure, facing directly downwards. This is a much more efficient way of running a drive-in theater in terms of real estate; unfortunately, we are still figuring out the logistics of the snack bar.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Harvey T., Omaha, Nebraska There is no such person. You are obviously thinking of either Dean Jones, the wonderful star of all of those Disney movies in the sixties and seventies, or Tony Dow, who played Wally on Leave it to Beaver.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Jean-Pierre K., Paris, France I'm so glad you asked me that question! As you know, a monetary standard has been discussed for many years. Called the Euro, it's had trouble catching on for quite some time. We at Muppet Labs have given some thought to the problem and we believe we have found a way to allow each country to maintain its sovereign status while creating a uniform monetary system. The answer of course is cheese. We at Muppet Labs propose creating a monetary system based on cheese, where each nation would use a kind of cheese indigenous to that country. The French would use Brie, the English would use Stilton and of course, the Swiss would use Swiss. But, each cheese would be accepted in other countries—because everybody loves cheese!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Dana, Albany, New York
To answer that question, we at Muppet Labs performed a quick study. For one afternoon, Beaker and I donned blonde wigs. I can tell you quite emphatically that we did indeed have more fun than the previous day. Take a look for yourself:
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Drew H., Sedona, Arizona I'm so glad you asked me that question (and thank you for not using a trademark in your question)! The whimsical putty is formulated from a top secret plastic mixture. Although I am unable to tell you what exactly is in it, I can tell you what is NOT in it: cheese, milk, pork, apples and gummy bears. And while we're on the topic of silicon-based playthings, I would like to announce that Muppet Labs, after years of development, is about to introduce its own "real solid liquid." We call it "Serious Putty." It is aimed at the more thoughtful and quiet child—the kids who do their science homework in the library during recess. We at Muppet Labs have long believed that the putty toys currently on the market have long excluded the more serious child and we are please to fill the void.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Martin J., St. Paul, Minnesota By far the strangest experiment we have conducted was the time Beaker and I made a peanut butter, sardine, smoked salmon, pastrami, tongue and sauerkraut sandwich with mayo and mustard for lunch. Although Beakie and I enjoy each of these foods individually, this experiment proved that a sandwich—as well as most anything else—is more than just the sum of its parts.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Tina F., Kenvil, New Jersey Like we always say in Muppet Labs, if you have a hypothesis, there is only way to prove it: try it! Of course, we at Muppet Labs take no responsibility for whatever results may take place, and, at the request of our attorney, I would like to say that if your friend does indeed get stuck in that odd position, you hereby indemnify us from any claims that may arise. Oh, and we suggest you take a quick "before" photo of your friend just in case the doctors need a reference to return her face to its proper appearance.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -K. Lister, Sioux City, South Dakota The answer is surprisingly simple. Cork is harvested from the walls of the basements of split level houses built in the 1960s and '70s. Simply walk into any basement family room of this era and you can see the walls are just packed with this wonderful cork substance. Some people believe that the cork on these walls is "cork tiling" that was put there purposely by the homeowner. I dispute that erroneous theory. Unfortunately, interior decorators are quickly depleting this nonrenewable natural resource—in the future, we shall probably be able to find cork in its only other natural home—the wine bottle.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Ivy T., Oak Park, Illinois There are two ways to fossilize yourself. The first method, which I do not recommend, is to get in the path of molten lava from an erupting volcano. It's not a pleasant thought, but it worked at Pompeii. The second method is more difficult, but is quite effective. Find a nice place outside where you can lie down and then wait patiently for several thousand years as layers of sedimentary rock build up over you. Actually, when I think of it, both of these methods are less than pleasant. Why not have a nice picture taken of you?
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Emmett M., White Plains, New York I'm so glad you asked me that question! As far as I can tell, toads do not give people warts. I have known Mr. Kermit the Frog for many years and although he is a frog and not a toad, he is in the same general amphibious species, and I can vouch for the fact that Mr. the Frog has never given me warts. He has, however, given me a very nice fruit basket, a membership in the Donut of the Month Club, and a lifetime subscription to Popular Swamp Magazine.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Henry D., Truth or Consequences, New Mexico The answer of course is yes. In fact, Muppet Labs is about to begin an in-depth study entitled "Eating Until Explosion: An In-Depth Study." We will contact you privately about participating in this study, which involves an all-you-can-possibly-eat buffet. Participants in the study will be also paid $36.50 in cash, but must first sign a rather lengthy disclaimer and release form.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Paul E., Los Angeles, California Everyone here at Muppet Labs remembers the day back in 1973 when our first batch of calculators arrived. It was the biggest thing to happen to science since the invention of the pocket protector. We stared at those little red LED numerals for hours on end...but I digress. The shortage of normal sized calculators is the direct result of the massive calculator deregulation bill that was pushed through congress in 1989. While we at Muppet Labs can't do anything to change the size of calculators, we are working on a shrinking/enlarging system that would allow the user to be either shrunk or enlarged in order to make the tiny or large calculator appear normal sized relative to the user. Until we perfect that technology, we recommend you use a pencil.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Weston A., New York, New York We at Muppet Labs prefer using the Muppet Labs Grill-Master 4000. The Grill-Master is a nuclear powered grilled cheese sandwich making device that is almost risk free and virtually hassle free. Simply insert two pieces of bread and the amount of cheese desired, and in precisely 13 hours the most perfect grilled cheese sandwich will result. The 13 hour lag time requires a little advance planning on your part, but we assure you, the grilled cheese sandwiches produced by the Grill-Master 4000 are beyond compare. We should warn you, however, that prolonged use of the machine could result in minor radiation burns, but we are working on eliminating that problem.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Jason B., Hoboken, New York For the time being, I am answering these questions myself. But, I should point out that it will only be a matter of time until the Bunsen Honeydew Artificial Intelligence Question Responder will be up and running. Using a state of the art question answering device to respond to your queries will allow me to concentrate on the more important work at hand: orchestrating a letter writing campaign to bring back Dr. Who.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -David D., Larchmont, New York I usually avoid answering personal questions, but in this case I'll make an exception. I spend most of my free time figuring out how to use my free time. To do so, I use a very sophisticated computer program. I cannot tell you how I actually spend this free time, because by the time the software tells me what to do with my free time, it's time to go back to work.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Yours Inquisitively, Gavin McGinty I'm so glad you asked me that question! I think it would be a close race; however, the Muppet Labs F-7000 Space Vehicle would beat the proverbial pants off both of these. When completed, the F-7000 will be the first space vehicle powered entirely by cole slaw. As anyone who has attended a company picnic knows, the energy released by cabbage far outweighs that of any fuel currently used by any space program. Unfortunately, we are experiencing delays getting the craft off the ground—just when we get enough fuel for launch, someone throws a barbecue.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Val Bailey, via the Internet Beakie and I have worked together for so long, we almost anticipate each other. It is this close working relationship that enables Muppet Labs to meet its backbreaking schedule of research and development. I'm always searching for additional assistants in order to give Beakie a much needed rest, but to be perfectly honest, no one else has ever answered the ad that I have been running for the past 11 years in Lab Assistant Quarterly. Are you interested, Val? The pay isn't great, but, just ask Beaker—the medical plan is quite generous!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Anonymous, via the Internet I believe there is alien life on other planets—and perhaps these aliens have even made it to Earth. However, as a man of science, I must admit that I have not yet seen proof of such life...with the possible exception of a comedian named "Carrot Top."
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Sam K., Denver, Colorado Why not invest in Muppet Labs? We can't guarantee a return on your investment, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you are making possible such things as: The Muppet Labs Action Figure Cleaner, The Muppet Labs Movie Theater Floor De-Stickyfier, The Muppet Labs Inside The Carton Milk Shake Mixer, The Muppet Labs Dryer Lint Reconditioner and the Muppet Labs Pocket Cranberry Bog Harvester.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Alexander H., Glen Rock, New Jersey There is indeed a better mousetrap, and Muppet Labs is putting the finishing touches on it right now. But, we at Muppet Labs do not believe in allowing an unfair advantage to develop in the age old fight between mouse and mousetrap. That's why the Muppet Labs genetic engineering department is working on a "Better Mouse" to go with the better mousetrap that we are constructing. The Better Mouse is smarter, faster, and will be upgraded to compete more fairly with the Muppet Labs Better Mousetrap. At least this way, the mouse has a fighting chance.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Marla W., Wilmington, Delaware I'm so glad you asked me that question! I have always used the following: "Hello. I am a professional scientist with an I.Q. of 211. Would you like to come over to my mother's basement and watch my complete collection of Babylon 5 tapes?" Although it hasn't worked once yet, it's still my favorite.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Anonymous, via the Internet I may be a scientist, but I am also a romantic. I believe that everyone in the world has a soul mate. You will meet your prince. I'd try hanging out around frogs more often.
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Ronda, Tacoma, Washington The simple answer, Ronda, is that when your dog was a puppy, she must have swallowed a very powerful magnet. When not directly attached to her leash, she is instantly repelled away. You might try to degmanetize her, although buying a leather leash would probably be easier!
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Frank K., Bakersfield, California I shall put it this way: Would someone deliberately change their name TO Bunsen Honeydew?
Dear Dr. Honeydew, -Gordon H., Las Vegas, Nevada I'm so glad you asked me that question! By far, the most important information to put on your resume is your name and address. If you don't put that stuff on there, it wouldn't be your resume—and that would make things rather confusing for potential employers.
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© 1998 The Jim Henson Company |