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The Rainbow Flogger Research Report: FooleCo Black Labs "The Sockermom Principle: Key to Transcending the One-STella Barrier." Introduction It is well-established that the standard of thud is the Dread Koosh Flogger (hereafter the DKF). When swung by One Standard Davo, the impact of this device defines the unit of one STella. It has long been held by pervy authorities that one STella is the maximum value obtainable. All other impact toys are commonly stated to be rated in units of milliSTellas, or less.[1] Is the STella, like the value of c, a non-surmountable impact in this reality? There have been numerous claims put forth for toys capable of accessing the transSTellance regime, but unfortunately none have proven valid in extensive Black Labs testing. The 1000-tail flogger showed promise, but too many of the test subjects rated it "nice" for it to possibly qualify for the expensive further necessary testing. Experiments involving baseball bats failed, due to a lack of willing Stunt Perverts. The FooleCo Black Labs, however, ever pushing back the frontiers of science[2], have recently achieved a breakthrough in flogger construction that appears to have finally shattered the One-STella barrier.[3] For reasons apparent below, this device is named the "Rainbow Flogger." Experimental The design approach taken in the present research is based on the classic Sockermom Principle: "First, get more rope."[4] From the local Kinky Perverts Boutique, we obtained a quantity of 7/16" (11 mm) braided nylon rope (Lehigh #N14100). From this was cut six lengths of 2.0 m (6'6") each. The ends of each was bound with small rubber bands, to prevent unraveling during subsequent operations. Each length was immersed for 20 minutes in 6 L of water at 60 C, containing predissolved 50 mL (1.75 oz) liquid dye (Rit, var. Cardinal Red[5], Sunshine Orange, Yellow, Kelly Green, Royal Blue, Purple) and 125 mL (1/2 cup) table salt. During this time, the rope became quite stiff; this condition disappeared during subsequent rinsing. The rope lengths were rinsed for 5 min in running cold water, and dried for several hours by hanging in front of a box fan. It was found that the rope had shrunk in length by 12% at this point. Luckily, the original design had some extra length over that necessary built into the plan as a fudge factor. The ropes were tied into a bundle at their centers, and a double overhand knot tied in all the rope ends, followed by a second such knot separated from the first by about 3 cm (1"). At the bights, a thin rope wrapping was applied to create a handle, finished by a standard whipping knot. The final assembly weighs about 1 kg. In Fig 1., the background scale is 8" square. The handle wrapping is a temporary one, until the proper black cord is obtained. It was judged that this spectral deviation from the original experimental design specifications would not affect the properties under investigation.
Results The first over-the-shoulder self-test resulted in an immediate thought of "OhMyGod" and an urge to continue its use while chanting Latin. Beta testing was performed on my partner, who was not wearing her too-tight, too-short lab coat (or much of anything else). In a direct comparison of five strokes of the DKF, followed by five strokes of the Rainbow Flogger, she rated it as between 2 and 3 STellas. On just the third stroke, evident raising of blood to beneath the surface was observed. This was followed by a more extensive test regime of seven subjects, who shall remain unnamed, save for JanetM. Two replicates were performed on the last-named subject, due to the subject's being too zoned during the first test to verbalize the outcome. Ratings of between 2 and 3 STellas were indicated by all subjects. Discussion It is evident that accessing the transSTellance regime, while not everyone's kink, can now be readily accomplished. Two subjects did indicate a preference for the "bounce" aspect of the DKF impact, compared to the more inelastic collision of the operational end of the Rainbow Flogger. This was judged significant in Real Life play, but of no importance to the outcome of the present study. Nevertheless, the Black Labs, ever alert to new commercial possibilities, have launched a research program to determine ways to insert lead shot into the core of a Koosh Ball. In addition, a lighter version (5' lengths of 3/8" braided nylon rope) is under construction, for a certain Lab Assistant who wants a toy that she can swing more than once, without hurting her arm. The color scheme has no effect on the impact of the toy; it's just to keep the Two Vitos happy. Conclusion We're waiting for the call from Stockholm. Acknowledgments. This research was supposed to be funded by FooleCo. We're waiting, Philip. We told the Two Vitos we couldn't make a second one until you actually transfer the funds to the Black Labs. So there. References: [1] To settle a long controversy, the authors here propose for adoption, for the unit of sting, the alleTS. [2] a minor, unprofitable, but sometimes unavoidable byproduct of the search for cheap commodities, marketable at exorbitant rates. [3] and did little good to spectrum's rotator cuff. [4] There appears to be some scientific precedent for this principle: Lofting, H., 1923. [5] This particular dye was only available in powder form. Safety warning: it took four washings with soap and hot water, followed by two boiling water rinses, before the pasta pot came clean. Do not plan spagetti for dinner after an afternoon of dyeing rope. |
