You know what's fun to do sometimes…sex. Now that hardly anyone believes
in God anymore, people of all ages are having some of this "sex"
in many different ways, with many different partners. In these crazy times
when up is down, down is up and "around in circles don't stop don't stop"
is as commonplace as a ringing cell phone, it is important that we don't lose
sight of the finer things in life…like dirty slang for instance…Where
would our society without clever sexual metaphors? For one thing, watching
Canada: A People's History and hearing about the Europeans' "quest for
beaver in the new world" would be far less funny. We here at ROSCO would
like to implore you the reader - For the sake of giggling Grade 7 students
all across this fair land…Keep up the evolution of sexual slang alive!
MUMMY DUST - When two people who love each other very much, engage in sexual activities, and at least one of them is a guy, occasionally some semen will ejaculate out of the little hole at the tip of the man's penis. This can become quite messy and is usually wiped up using tissues or toilet paper. Because this "ejaculate" tends to be sticky, these paper products will often become stuck to the man's penis. At this point the penis becomes "the mummy". Now often men do not like to appear that they are overly concerned with cleaning up their penises. They feel that it may cause their partner to think "Oh my gosh this guy is a really anal retentive neat freak psycho who may kill me or at least try to control every area of my life". To avoid this, the man will often do a bit of a half-assed job of "unwrapping" the mummy. In the morning this man is often left with little bits of dried paper flakes stuck to his pubic hair / underwear. This is known as "mummy dust".
FUKNOTS - A close relative of the dreadlock, and distant cousin of the woolknot (dingle berries), Fuknots are the tightly tangled clumps of hair, found on the back of ones head, following lovemaking. They are formed by the intensive, rhythmic rubbing of one's hair against pillows, bed-sheets, couches, car seats, carpeting, dresses, throw rugs, underwear, towels, tapestries, picnic blankets, curtains, panty-hoes, house-coats, welcome mats, astro-turf, pants, bath mats, snow pants, flags, togas or macrome owls,
WHUVIES - This is the blanket term for all of the adorable littlecutesy babble and rituals that you and your partner engage in, basking in each others love, while lying in bed. This includes nicknames, lines from movies, nonsense noises and word games. One example could be saying "Elephant Shoe" which kind of soundslike "I love you" if you say it really quick. Another example would be turning to your partner every morning and saying "Here Comes the Sun", to which your partner replies with a title of another Beatles song, like "Good Day Sunshine" or "Good Morning Good Morning" or "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey". Because Whuvies are so fetishistic and represent the shared experiences of individual relationships, they are filed directly next to the pain centre of your brain when relationships break up. This is what causes your roommate to come home drunk, after a late screening of Dr. Strangelove, smash the crap out of the kitchen chair, tear up a stuffed turtle and break the toilet by trying to flush a Jane's Addiction CD.
COCK BLOCKER - In the early stages of any budding young romance there
always seems to be that third wheel that actively prevents forward momentum.
Weather they are conscious of their behaviour or not, the Cock Blockers of
this world, male or female, drive an agonising and annoying wedge between
tab A and slot B. Say for instance that this really cool guy that you've been
wanting to hook up with is over at your house. He is sitting on the couch
beside you, really close and everything is perfect, except there is also this
Cockblocker friend of his over, and he just won't leave. It's like 3:30 in
the morning and Cockblocker is sitting there talking about cars or movies
or whatever, chowing down on Sunchips. You even put on an old video of CBC's
soap opera Riverdale in order to drive him out. Eventually hottie gets so
tired that he takes off with Cockblocker and you are left to beat the crap
out of the couch cushions alone.